A Long Time Coming…
Well its been a while since Ive posted anything here so I guess its way past time that I give this blog an update.
Where to start, I guess I’m writing to get some personal things off my chest. I’m in a pretty mono mood, the mood swings have been dying down. So yea, In the past two months I have come off multiple meds and been in recovery for far too long. I miss the old me, the one who felt normal. Even though that normalcy was a product of being numbed by the pills my doctor had me on. After doing research I found out how bad the meds were which prompted me to cease them. To give you some indication, one of the meds I had been taking every day for over 5 years actually KILLED all of the lab-rats during the testing trails but the FDA still approved them. Lovely isn’t it? Blows my mind.
Anyway to make matters even more complicated, a boy started talking to me again. You know the one, there’s no need for me to tell, Ive written about him here many times before. So he confesses that he likes me the same week I quit my meds. For any addict can tell you, this …was bad.
Between the dope-sickness, seizures, erratic mood-swings, night-sweats, shaking …well you get the idea. His telling me this news was one of two things that actually helped take my mind off of the gut wrenching agony that my body continuously stayed in. So whats so bad about that, you may be asking. Nothing, the only bad thing was my reaction.
My best friend Chris gives me a hard time because I have a tendency to subconsciously sabotage every ‘good’ relationship that comes my way. He says I get freaked out and make it impossible for the suitor in question to get through my guarded gates. I suddenly ask the world of them and demand so much from them in an attempt to run them off without actually realizing that I’m doing it.
Now couple that theory with the aforementioned medication problems. I mean how do you even explain that? “Yea I’m acting like a lunatic but I still like you!” Ugh. Hell sometimes I wonder if maybe a really am crazy, but I know its just the ‘draw’ talking. Either way most of the time he doesn’t talk to me on yahoo when I try to hit him up, he may not even get my IM’s I don’t know.
Yet there is always that small nagging voice that tells me I’m a failure and he’s just leading me on. Since he isn’t there to dispute it, well it makes it easy to believe during those lonely nights when im sick and shaking. Especially since I have a terrible tendency to over-think things and dream up the worst. Still tho, I wonder. Am I being led on again? I wish I knew.
Looking up just now I realized that I have the exact same banner for this blog that I had when me and ‘him’ were last talking, I chose it because it reminded me of us. Both there, but too far apart and to scared to touch. Damn. How can so much change in a year and yet other things, no matter how small, remain the same? How can the feelings grow stronger but the actions remain hindered by fear like they always were?
I once asked him ‘If he had good dreams’ one night. He said ‘The only good dreams was those where we could be together.” That was the sweetest thing he ever said to me, I’ll forever remember it. I think maybe its time we both come to terms that maybe, just maybe some dreams were meant to come true. That sometimes we get scared and create our own nightmares instead of letting the lovely dreams unfold as they normally would. Perhaps Im not alone, maybe on some level he sabotages too.
I don’t know, he’s closed off to me nowadays, compared to before I mean. He talks about sex a lot and his store but thats about it really. I think the first one is an escape-type coping mechanism he’s fallin into since our last dance around. Maybe to escape getting hurt. I could be wrong though.
He opened up to me the other night for a bit, that made me happy its been a while since he really talked to me that way. (while Ive been coherent from the draw anyway.) I hope he does it more, he always trusted me I’m just not sure why he doesn’t now. I always liked that he could confide in me and vice versa. I wonder what I did to sway that trust. I wonder what I should do. Should I give up again? Is it time for me to walk away? At this point would he even care? I don’t know blog, I really don’t know what to do anymore. And it really makes me sad, god knows…I need him now more than ever. I need his help getting through this. I was always there during his emo/sad times, or I tried to be. I wish he could be here for mine, I really do. Who knows maybe wishes are meant to come true as well as dreams. Maybe.
All I know is, it hurts. It just…. hurts me. To think, to know, to wonder….how he really feels now that Ive gone all lunatic withdraw crazy on him, if im the only girl he’s talkin to, if he’s playin me….. If I’m just another stupid girl. Adam thought I was and after him, well I’m starting to wonder if maybe he was right. Not in a self pity sense, but in a ‘I keep making the same mistakes’ sense.
Adam is and will always be my biggest regret. Stupid girl.
As for the present boy, sometimes I flash back to the time I house sat for my dad, my heart hurt so badly back then. He wouldn’t tell me then, how he felt or the whole story. He could tell me what it is now though, I wish he’d just write me a big long letter and spill everything. I really wish he would. Even if it held bad news, I would still feel better. I hate not knowing. I hate not understanding where I stand right now. I wonder…am I ever gonna’ make it to his priority list? Or am I on there somewhere already? Or do I stop waiting? I wish he would just tell me all of these things. Or just tell me things he’d personally want me to know. I wish he would just let me know……
(Insert cheesy video that correlates to feelings here….)
I love my blog, it doesn’t judge me ^^
